This is a blog post that I have thought about writing for quite some time but have questioned either whether I can do it justice and even whether my point of view is really needed. In the case of the first question, I have spent a lot of time drafting and working on this to try and ensure it is the piece that I truly intended. For the second, I argue that my point of view is never really needed as such, but if one person finds something important to take away or to consider from reading it then it has done all I need it to do. Plus, there is a self serving cathartic element to this whole piece that I cannot deny.
I never really understood my worries around pregnancy and how I would cope until it happened. I knowingly would previously find some of the peri-natal or neonatal deaths we had at work quite challenging, particularly as I felt that my age was increasing, and I recognised seeing mum’s with dates of births which were in the 1980s were quite commonly those with complications or issues. Once I had gone beyond the age of 35, what was once considered a ‘geriatric pregnancy’ or now known as ‘advanced maternal age’, I felt a total sense of despair around what I felt like was going to be a very tough and hard time personally.
This brings me to the emotional side of working, and how at some points I coped absolutely fine, and in others I did not. It is true that, as with many different roles, I always had the option to not work in the mortuary while pregnant. Although this was not discussed, I could have been temporarily moved somewhere else if I wanted to. I chose to stay in the mortuary until 34 weeks of my pregnancy had passed. It should be added here that the reasons for that could also be physical in nature, not just because of the emotional side of the work. I think it’s fair to say that some days were tougher than others, but this is how it is day by day in the mortuary with or without pregnancy. Prior to this I have always said that there are some days where there is just too much sadness and these are the days I come home and often need to have a cry over a cup of tea. I think however it was just the nature of these deaths that started to change, the ones that would upset me were different. I really struggled one day when the detail of a death was too similar and it took me by surprise that it upset me so much.
Truth be told, I have always believed that although I like to collect knowledge and understanding, I also believe that you can simply know too much of a topic. Which means that when you are impacted you have a complex level of information which means you have added anxieties and stress. While it could be seen that others may worry about the unknown aspect, having this detailed knowledge is a burden in itself.
The physical side of the job, at first, was something I did not struggle with particularly. It is protocol at work to complete a risk assessment during the pregnancy which is updated as and when circumstances change. Included in this risk assessment is limited lifting and manual handling responsibility, and a list of the chemical or substances I could not go near. I was incredibly lucky to have not any huge issues in early pregnancy up until the point in January when I tore part of my rib cartilage while daring to get off the bus. Besides that, the only time I had struggled even slightly was when I had COVID in December. However, after that, I struggled with my pelvis which meant walking became really difficult. Then, as predicted by the doctor in A&E as the worst case scenario, the other side of my ribs tore too in my sleep. There were moments where walking, sitting, laying and breathing have all hurt in one way or another. Looking back, I’m amazed that I made it as far as I did but I don’t pretend to be any kind of hero or superstar in this.
I worked up until my midwife told me she thought I should stop. It was her guidance that made it click in my head, and she based this on that I said I was struggling the same appointment when my blood pressure was rising up into the high bracket. I had no other issues, but she said it was for the best given that I could start any issues if I didn’t look after myself properly at that time.
Once I began maternity leave I had a lot of time to think and consider a lot of the decisions I made. I think I mostly made the correct ones, although my sheer determination to get to 37 weeks at work should probably have been more of a target as opposed to an absolute which upon not reaching I considered failure. I continued with writing this blog nonetheless it being a very personal experience and one that I am not sure how useful or interesting it will be. I think it is important to discuss these challenges we face, as pregnant people in particular, and the pressures we receive from outside and from ourselves internally.
I think the one thing I will take away from this is to take note of the signs being presented and to not be afraid to make decisions even if they go against any kind of plan. Most important in all of this is me and making sure that I am okay both mentally and physically. I learned to walk away from anything that upset me, and made sure I would talk about it either in therapy or with my friends and family, or even work colleagues. I made sure not to do anything I didn’t feel I could, and I made the needed decision at a point where I was comfortable.
The last point I would just like to add is that at no point did I experience any real sickness or nausea caused by anything at work. The whole time, as long as I had food regularly, I rarely ever feel sick. Which I am proud to say meant that I still could stomach some of the odours and smells we encounter unlike some of my colleagues, and in my last week they were still asking for my assistance which some of the more challenging aromatic situations. They even joked that I would need to come back once a week to do this for them as I seem to have the strongest stomach!
MG x
Mortuary Gem 
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