Silly Cartoon Appreciation Post

It’s only a short update I’m afraid today as I feel more obliged to write this than actually have a plan as to what I’m writing! This is possibly the longest unplanned break between blog posts that I’ve had in the whole time I’ve had this blog and it was completely unintentional. However it is a true way of knowing that I’ve just been running myself into the ground recently!

Work has been very eventful, too much going on to even mention it all! I had a huge opportunity to watch something we rarely get to see on Friday that I will write about once I have time to do it justice. One thing I would like to say is that I’ve never been prouder or happier of my team and what we’ve accomplished of late. I really do think we work together really well, and I’m feeling a little confidence boost after some excellent feedback that myself and my colleague, who is the other trainee, received from one of our pathologists. We’re going from strength to strength each week but I think it’s been noticeable in the past month or so just how far we’ve come.

Very appreciative of a bacteriophage chasing a bacteria saying Pew!

I’ll finish with a little note about my revision as it needs to be my main focus for the next two weeks and I’m feeling the pressure now. That as well as finishing my assignments which are in about their third draft and finally with my manager to review. I’ve found in the last day that there are some excellent YouTube videos out there that are right up my street with silly cartoons that I’m certain will help me remember stuff. I just wanted to mention The Amoeba Sisters because I discovered them and they’re awesome. Check them out!

Poor screen photo apologies but find their videos at The Amoeba Sisters

MG x

Dying Matters

What a Dying Matters Awareness Week it has been! I can’t believe my part in it is over and I managed to cram in three Death Cafes which only got bigger and better as the week went on. The first event at King George Hospital was small but a cheery discussion, my favourite part was discussing cryogenics with people who were amazed you could just freeze your head. The second was our regular event and was very well attended with a new face which was really exciting! I love our regulars so much but having new people come and discover what we do is the best. The third event at Queen’s Hospital was standing room only with a lot of pauses while people gathered their thoughts but the discussions were very poignant and important. I thought the fact the language around death was discussed was hugely significant especially to those in the health professions.

Death Cafe at work! Hopefully becoming a regular thing… watch this space!

Alongside these I attended a talk at what I think must be my favourite museum now, The Old Operating Theatre nearby the Guy’s Hospital where I used to work. It was a hilarious talk by Professor Ellis about Royal surgery that I enjoyed so much I didn’t want it to end. I resisted buying all the giant microbe toys while I was there but did cheekily treat myself to a perfect piece of jewellery.

I happen to think I had the best seat in the house at The Old Operating Theatre!

Yesterday I had one of the best Mortuary Insight Visits for staff that I have ever conducted. I felt like people were really engaged and learnt a lot from their time with me. I still love doing these and feel like I get a lot out of them too. My confidence of talking in front of people has grown and grown in recent times thanks to these.

For many reasons, this week has been a challenging one mentally for both me and my fiancé. It seems appropriate to mention that this week also happens to be Mental Health Awareness Week in the UK. Physically invisible illness is what I consider to be something we all are massively improving at being aware of but still has a lot of room for improvement. I see the effects at work, I feel them myself and I worry about them in other people.

People and socialising give me the worst anxiety sometimes, my cats are good at helping with that.

Lastly, I spent yesterday afternoon in absolute wonder at what the human body can do. I was given the opportunity to try and remember the names of all the bones of the skull that once upon a time I could reel off in seconds. Ten years ago, I knew them all and had my own cardboard skeleton I bought and made in my room with all the bones labelled. Yesterday I struggled and was asking everyone what that butterfly shaped bone in the middle of the skull was. I remembered as I was leaving work, it’s the sphenoid. It’s all still in there somewhere.

It kind of looks like a butterfly, if you squint.

I’ll leave you with a photo of the cemetery I see on the staff bus that I vow to visit one day. It’s near the hospital and I’m pretty sure I have family there. Have a great weekend everyone.

MG x

Self-Diagnosed True Crime Addict

One place I know I can relax is the bath. Baths are like therapy for me, and tonight I’ve had both. A session with my counsellor, and a bath which I’m now trying to relax in and forget about my day. It seems the Tuesday after a four day bank holiday weekend is enough to get me back to square one feeling overwhelmed by all things life. A combination of work things out of my control, and life things fully within my control are causing that buzzing in my head that I’m pretty sure led to a panic attack in January. Never been so thankful for NHS prescriptions than tonight. Long story short, I am grateful that I am neither ashamed to discuss the fact I have regular counselling sessions nor that I take medication for my anxiety, and nobody else should be ashamed of anything like that either.

If only I was a cat and could relax like this

With that done and said, let’s talk about my week so far! Why when it’s only Tuesday? Well it’s been eventful already! The capacity issues I was convinced we would not have at work absolutely proved to me to be naive and not understand the possibilities fully. Never again will I underestimate a weekend and trust it to be quiet because the weeks preceding it had been. Lesson learnt, always be prepared that a whole lot of people could die at any time and have a plan in place for such an occasion. Feeling quite foolish but I will not feel that foolish again because I will not make the same mistake twice!

Tonight I should have revised a bit and done some work but I really wasn’t in the headspace to do so. Instead I listened to one of my favourite true crime podcasts then watched a fairly sensationalist documentary about the Grindr Killer. Firstly, if you are a podcast listener and love true crime please check out Crime Junkie. It was recommended to me by Laura T and it’s great. Alongside this, a new podcast started recently called Murder Squad which is also just brilliant. Make sure you check these out if you would like to! They both are in a similar vein where they explore a murder or series of murders and then ask the listeners to do some investigative work if they think they can help. I’ve noticed there’s a new realisation that the public can be one of the best assets in crime solving so I’m loving these two. Sadly they do American crimes and I can’t do much from here but I can dream.

So the Grindr Killer, you say? I have a big interest in this case because it’s so local to where I live, I feel like I could have at least walked past these people on the platform at Barking station in 2014. If you would like the full story it can be found here, however in summary in 2014-15 a man from Barking in East London killed at least four young men in a series of murders hence he is now known and the Grindr Killer. Via a method of overdose with the date rape drug GHB he administered this to the four known men and then covered them up as either accidental overdoses or suicide. There is a rather brilliant BBC documentary if you can find it about this, the one I saw tonight was on the Freeview channel Pick and was a little less brilliant but still interesting. The thing I find most interesting is the fact that he was not caught sooner and it really raised issues with the police surrounding the treatment of these deaths.

I’ve really become the True Crime addict as of late, reading books about serial killers, listening to podcasts about murders and watching documentaries such as this. Obsessed? Me? Quite possibly!

For later in the week I’m working on a Dying Matters post so keep an eye out for that one, have a great four day week and if you’re struggling know that you’re not alone.

MG x

How Splenunculus!

Doesn’t it sound like something completely amazing and fabulous. I think I will refer to anything wonderful from now on as splenunculus! It’s actually a little thing that the human body can do, where the spleen doesn’t form in the usual way and creates a little tiny accessory spleen. That little guy is called a splenunculus. Cool right?

A tiny accessory spleen, or splenunculus if you will

Another crazy busy week spent filled with anxiety about not getting enough done while actually doing an awful lot. On Tuesday I attended a talk with Laura T where Dame Sue Black was interviewed about her life as a forensic anthropologist and about her book. It was a fascinating talk which I enjoyed, even if I don’t always agree with her opinions on certain aspects. I can’t lie, her book I had borrowed from Laura D and has been on a huge pile I’ve mentally noted as ‘to read at some point or another’. I now have my own copy which I can place there so at least I can give it back!

Terrible lighting and a poor attempt at an arty photograph

It was my turn in the post mortem room this week, most notably was the day that I spent asking people if they could smell poo on me. Sometimes certain smells, no matter how much you scrub, just won’t come off. Luckily no one actually said they could smell it, so it would appear it was one of those times the smell has just kind of got stuck in my nose (for want of a better term!) and I could smell it only myself. At the same time, I had quite a difficult evisceration to complete but gave my best shot at doing the three block technique and the pathologist seemed quite impressed. I then mistook a rather large spleen for a liver later on and I think she stopped being impressed with me at all.

Outside of that I’ve been cracking on with my assignments for my course, sneaking a bit of typing or reading whenever I can. I’m aiming to have them all at least in rough draft soon so I can feel a bit more chilled about it all and focus on some revision for the exam in May.

As part of my Health &. Safety assignment my camera roll has been filled with amazing photos like this one of a fire extinguisher

Rockstar the cat was back at the vets this week, he had to have four of his teeth removed as he’s an old little chap and they had rotted. That all happened a day after I had a visit to another East London hospital to find out that I have to have my four wisdom teeth removed in May. I’m not really happy about the fact I’ll be having my first very general anaesthetic too. Not very splenunculus at all.

Post-teeth removal Rockstar cheekily lying on all my reading material for the evening

Next Tuesday is the March Upminster Death Cafe which I hope will be a good one. Have a lot of people who have been in touch. The April and May dates have been confirmed which is great too. I was hoping to be involved in a project called Departure Lounge which is upcoming in May and June but sadly I can’t make the training dates. However I have just been asked to do a talk to some junior doctors about evisceration in September which is very exciting!

Death Cafe is next Tuesday!

That’s all from me for now, hope you have a splenunculus weekend!

MG x

Platform 9 3/4

Or actually Platform 8, but I can dream that I’m finally aboard the Hogwarts Express and not a Grand Central train about to depart for Sunderland swinging by Hartlepool on the way.

It’s actually happening. I’m off on my first of five trips up North to begin learning and training for my qualification. I’m going to learn the ins and outs of being an APT with a whole bunch of other cool people doing the same thing. Plus I bagged a window seat which makes this trip even better. The train is warm and stuffy, but the sun is shining and my sunglasses are in reach at least which is good because I think once we’ve pulled out of the station the sun will be directly in my eyes. After note, I wasn’t wrong about that.

All-Weather Gemma (my alter-ego) is always prepared

I had a good start to this week, I had a busy day on Monday in the post-mortem room and felt good about my skills leading up to today. Then yesterday I had a great day, performed two eviscerations and then assisted the pathologist and felt like I was so happy with where I am at right now. The brain count is up to 78, surpassing my 75 milestone that I was aiming for and already made a start towards 100. The skills I want to try and improve in the post-mortem room going forward are to perfect the three block technique because I tend to not be able to get the organs out correctly when I attempt this.

On a personal level, I’ve had a noticeable improvement since the first two weeks of the year where I had a panic attack followed by a bout of gastroenteritis. I’ve been having some counselling sessions and focusing on small achievable goals with the ‘Counsellor Man’ as I’ve been referring to him as. We discussed how nervous I was about this trip today, turns out in my classic way I’m more nervous about this journey, the hotel and the people I meet along the way than I am about the actual studying. I don’t want to sound arrogant, I’m a natural Ravenclaw and study is my strongpoint.

I am looking forward to beginning and understanding a bit more about what this course entails. I’ve got a few bits and bobs to keep me busy while I’m on the train, a few emails and things to read plus a catch up of a couple of tv shows. I just finished Umbrella Academy this morning annoyingly but I might have to rewatch it at some point.

For now, I’ll post again when I’m on my way back and I’ll be working on my next ‘So You’re Dead…’ post too. I also just misplaced my favourite pen and I’m stuck in a window seat surrounded by passengers. This could be a long journey after all.

MG x

I’ll Sleep When I’m Dead

If you speak to me, or see me recently you have probably heard me say I’m tired, or thought I look rough. Truth is, I feel it! Between mystery pain and insomnia, my brain is in overdrive and it’s a really busy time of year in the death industry. I’m really proud of my team and of being a part of it this week. We’ve pulled together through some tough situations, just got on with it when we’ve been pushed to our limits and all our strength is gone. When I say strength, although you might think mental I actually mean both mental and physical. There’s been moments when my arms just don’t want to do what I need them to.

What a lot of people don’t realise is, mortuary work is very physical especially when it’s busy. You might find yourself cleaning, moving patients around or just running about trying to keep on top of phones ringing, doorbells going off and people being released to funeral directors. When I quite Archaeology I didn’t think a physical job would be part of my life again, because it felt like most jobs now are office based. Sometimes I now get time to sit at a desk and those times I relish, whereas previously the prospect of a desk job really did not appeal to me whatsoever.

In the hospital world, there is what is known as ‘Winter Pressures’. The wards feel it with meetings about beds and spaces, the emergency areas feel it with huge increases in footfall through their doors and the mortuaries feel it with constant new patients and community members arriving. It’s slightly different every year, in that the issues caused by this are different but largely space related. The other difference is that the time of year when it is at it’s worst is never predictable. It can coincide with dips in weather and temperature but it can also appear to be utterly random.

A lot goes on, some I’m aware of and some I’m sure I’m not, behind the scenes to ensure we are best prepared for these times and can cope in one way or another. It may mean just using our extra storage. It might mean transferring people to our surplus storage in an external company. The worst I’ve seen in my time at the mortuary is a concern that places are getting very full, and that even extra storage is not enough. However, there are plans, upon plans, upon plans to ensure that there is always a way to cope. This doesn’t make it any less stressful for those involved but it should calm any concerns from the public who might believe there is a problem.

February Death Cafe is coming up soon!

I do wonder if I’ll ever get used to this time of year, and not find it completely tiring. The lack of sunlight doesn’t help me and drains energy. I’m hoping for sunnier, calmer days ahead. Looking ahead, it’s not long now before I head up North to start my training officially! However, before then we have our February Death Cafe coming up on the 19th at our usual lovely venue at the usual time. Hope you can make it!

MG x

My Heart’s Still Beating

It’s been a slow start to the year but I do feel fully back in the swing of things and much better with my mental state! Still having the odd blip but that can only be expected.

This week we’ve been really quite busy, which comes with the unfortunate task of often having to not be able to give families what they always want. By that I mean, I think a lot of families believe they can either show up at any time or see their relative whenever they want. While this is something that in a perfect world would be possible, with our staffing, workload and space limitations we are very limited on the times we can offer. Viewings can be very time consuming if we have to take a lot of time to prepare the person, depending on what condition they are in, and we cannot give the amount of time demanded from us towards them. Sadly I’ve had to speak to family members on the phone and tell them they cannot come and see their relative either right at that minute, or recommend that they wait until their family member has gone to the funeral directors.

It’s one of the hardest parts of my job in all honesty, you want to be able to give people what they want but you end up some days being overwhelmed by the demands and unable to not be annoyed at some expectations. I can only recommend for anyone who thinks they would visit their family member in hospital that you call as early as possible to ensure you have better chances of getting an appointment (a bit like the GP surgery!). However, something I always do recommend is that it is better in many people’s minds to visit loved ones at the funeral directors where a lot more can be done and a lot more time dedicated. I often feel like our viewings can be very clinical and not always the best for families even though we try our best with what we have. I’m sure this could be different in other hospitals but some may agree with me. I would be interested to find out!

I had the opportunity yesterday to go into the post-mortem room with the other trainee and work together which was fantastic. We really work well and help each other with the bits we both struggle with. I’m so glad that we can share the stuff we know and I hope we can get some other occasions where we can do this going forward. I’ve really noticed recently that my confidence has grown again and come back to where it was before. I feel like the weaker points I was struggling with are becoming easier too. Really bodes well for starting my official training in a month’s time!

Finally, today I had to go for an ultrasound scan on my abdomen due to some right upper quadrant pain I’d been having which was suspected gall bladder issues. I’m pleased to say my gallbladder is fine, but now just concerned about what the pain actually could be. One funny thing however, when the man performing the scan showed me the screen I think I said ‘WOW’ a little too loudly. He went on the describe my gallbladder and what it does, and then my kidney and I had to interrupt him to explain what I do and why it was so cool to see my own. He smiled and sat back and said ‘Well you see all that movement, that your blood pumping around and you don’t get that’ which really made me laugh. Good to know my heart is in fine working order too hopefully!

Tomorrow night I’m off to an event in the city which I’m excited about. Then I have a long weekend to recover. I’ll let you all know about the event and some upcoming stuff in my next post. Hope you’re all having a good week!

MG x

Death Anxiety

I finally feel back in full swing and like I can handle the year ahead whatever it may throw in my direction. It’s only taken me over two weeks to get that New Year feeling. As promised, I would like to update you all on the goings on for the first half of this week, especially when there are some more exciting things left to happen.

On Sunday, Rachel and I hosted an event which I originally called ‘Death In The Afternoon’ but I may have to change due to a very popular podcast of the same name having been released since I decided on it. This has been a while in the making, trying to host an event similar to Death Cafe but at the weekend and in a much more relaxed style. It was at my house and all I asked was that attendees supplied the cake and I would supply the tea. I trialled this with some close friends and we played the Death Deck game that I have mentioned before. I think it was an absolute success and I hope those who came would agree, we laughed and had some excellent discussions about various aspects of death. I learnt some very insightful things about my friends too!

 

Improvising necessary when you only get two of some of your letters with your lightbox

Amazing cakes including the gravestones made by my friend Alison!

Yesterday was our monthly Death Cafe at The Sweet Rose Cakery in Upminster. I expected the numbers to be low due to the weather and the time of the year, however we also had the added factor of half the town being closed for gas works and all the buses on divert! All of that aside, we had a small but very cheery group of people get together and although we certainly went off on far more tangents than normal we had some interesting topics. Rather poignantly, the topic of death anxiety came up and I thought it was something to discuss further.

We talked about death anxiety, originally in relation to our own worrying about loved ones and imagining their deaths when we rationally know that’s not what has happened. I know I am guilty of this myself, my other half goes to work on a motorbike every day and if he hasn’t text me by midday I do start to get quite panicky that something has happened. My Mum made a very good point that this is a symptom of having a mobile phone, when she and Dad were first together they didn’t have them and he went to work with most days no contact until he came home. I guess the constant contact we have with people can be problematic in many ways but this is a big one.

In general, those that attended who were younger then went on to a conversation about Facebook and social media. It was clear that we are of a generation where communication comes very easy when we want it, but it comes with many disadvantages too. We might panic when we think we are being ignored, we could be the victim of trolls, and we worry about what has happened when communication doesn’t happen. We discussed worrying about our own deaths, our loved ones deaths and general anxiety around this. I can’t comment for everyone but I know that I have worried, even before I had my job it is important to note, on numerous occasions about death. I’m prone to worrying about my own death if I feel unwell, or at least it does cross my mind. Part of my reasoning for doing and liking my job is it’s almost like an immersion therapy. Surround yourself with something you’re naturally scared of and it becomes familiar and less scary.

A delightful bitmoji image I found once!

Something that also came from the (probably soon to be renamed) Death In The Afternoon was the comment from one friend that ‘Well, Death is just so final’. We all laughed in the obvious nature of this, but actually I think that’s the main reason for the anxiety around it. There’s no going back. There’s often nothing that can be done. It’s understandable why it’s scary and causes anxiety because it removes any control we have, and I think most of us do like to have control. Maybe by working in death I feel like I’m regaining some of that control.

Big day tomorrow and an interesting weekend coming up. I’m glad I could get this in today and hope you’re all having a good week so far!

MG x

New Year Burn Out

I won’t dwell on this for long, but I decided to check in with everyone to just say Happy New Year and I hope all is going well so far for 2019. Personally, not had the best start I could hope for but I’m feeling a lot better than I did on New Year’s Day evening luckily.

New Year’s Day had a wonderful sunset however!

I think a combination of festive pressures put upon me partly by other people but mainly myself, contributed towards a bit of a hopeless feeling. I experienced a massive bout of insomnia which affected my work, which mutated into a fear of not sleeping, that then became the reason why I wasn’t sleeping. I had a couple of major things in my life go awry towards the end of last year that I thought I could cope with. It just turns out that while I was coping with the big stuff, I was not coping with a lot of the smaller things like managing a social diary or, very simply, keeping on top of my washing (having clean clothes was a big worry for me at 3am for some strange reason).

I stumbled across this Moomin cartoon which made me smile, too often I am like Pimple (but not about jam)

Sometimes the pressures and strains of life can get too much. I think this is why things like ‘Self Care’ and ‘Mindfulness’ are so popular now. I worry that they are seen as trendy and just a bandwagon to be jumped on, but I never for one second think that. I honestly believe that taking time for yourself is almost more important than eating the right foods and doing exercise, or at least should be the priority. Mainly because if your mental state isn’t in the best place, nothing else will really work out.

Without getting too bogged down in non-mortuary related things, I can honestly say that due to not being at work there isn’t much else to say! I worked a few hours today, the opportunity came up and my manager asked if I would like to go in. I was pleased to be asked, I find going back after a bout of illness, especially poor mental health, incredibly daunting. I would probably end up back in a pattern of not sleeping and worrying. The fact I went in today and saw some colleagues, did some work and it all went fine, has relieved a huge pressure in my mind about tomorrow morning.

We can so easily burn ourselves out it’s unreal. However always remember we’re only human. We’re only flesh and blood and the things that make us who we are. Burning out, or not being able to cope, is nothing to be ashamed of or afraid of. By talking about it openly, I help myself and I hope I help others who may be going through a similar situation.

MG x

Blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑