Where Is My Mind?

As I tweeted on the day, I really struggled to say anything in regards to Mental Health Day when so many others were posting poignant and significant things. I struggled not only because I didn’t know what to say but I also didn’t know how to say it. I almost had too much to say while also having nothing to say all at the same time.

The more I thought about this, the more I wanted to explain myself. I think I thought it such a hard topic to discuss, and then again I discuss the similarly hard topic of death all the time, so how can I find it so hard? Maybe because I’m not used to talking about it so regularly, but I’m not against the idea. I think also, death is something that happens to everyone and is universal whereas mental health can be an individual thing and you could not be affected by it negatively at all.

Like with death, I do believe as with so many others, that mental health issues should be discussed more. I think the problems with mental health are two fold in that we rarely see evidence of people having problems and the experiences of those with problems are so wide and varied it can range from mild to incredibly severe scenarios. In effect, this makes it invisible until it becomes visible, often in the most awful and damaging of ways.

My own experiences with mental health started quite young, I’d say mid-teens and I still have the faint symptoms now although I accept I could always end up back there or worse than my truly awful days. I mostly suffered with depression, with bouts of anxiety thrown in, which worsened when I moved out from my parents’ house and bought my own flat. I did take medication, the dosage increased until I was on the highest the doctor said I could have. Medication for me was an appropriate thing for three years but I knew when the time was right to come off. By time being right, I don’t mean I was better exactly but I was done with the changes the medication made to me and wanted to try to cope without it. This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t take it again if I was advised to, or be against someone taking it for the rest of their life if necessary.

Working where I do now, I see the horrible things that bad mental health can do to people. I see suicides far more regularly than I thought I would, and I see families completely unaware there was even a chance their relative felt that way in some cases. I couldn’t possibly explain why it happens, I honestly believe that the evil nature of this range of illnesses can make you believe the worst things and that can mean someone thinking that they would be better off dead. Like with any other illness, I believe in there being hope for these people, but the stigma around discussing mental health problems needs to be destroyed before more people come forward. Especially men.

When I first moved out, I did something I thought was crazier than the thoughts in my head and I started running. I say running, I mean poorly jogging around the park on my doorstep in the dawn light hoping not to bump into anyone else. I did the Couch to 5k programme, then moved on and did a 10k with a friend who asked me to do that as a helping hand at a tough time, followed by many other runs. Running became a time to be able to think about things logically, it was working better than therapy ever could, allowing me to order and catalogue my thoughts. My dream was to run the London Marathon because that is what kick started my crazy-self stepping out the door in the dim early hours in the hope of one day feeling like a super hero.

Proudly completed the Brighton Half Marathon in 2014 and the Royal Parks Half Marathon in 2015. I did the Shine Walking Marathon in 2016 but never have I attempted to run one before.

For six years I’ve applied for a ballot place in the London Marathon knowing I could never raise the thousands of pounds the charity places ask you to. Every year you can donate your entry fee if you are unsuccessful and in the post you receive a consolation ‘Sorry!’ magazine and a rather nice running jacket or jumper. This year I’d decided to not apply again next year, to appreciate a sixth jumper and accept defeat. That was until Monday when I saw the familiar red plastic wrapping of a marathon magazine, minus the puffiness of a jumper. I won’t say exactly what I said but it was the same swear word repeatedly for about ten minutes while laughing like a maniac. I’m not certain I can do this, but I’m going to give it a good go.

Uh oh…

I’ve spent the last four days trying to decide who to raise money for because although I can’t raise £2,000, I can try and raise a bit of cash for someone. Originally I was looking at the bereavement or hospice charities but something didn’t feel right, even though that would totally be on brand! Then I saw a little thing pop up from Mind. What with all the amazing posts this week, I also came home yesterday to have a discussion about mental health with my other half unrelated to any of this. Then we popped out and Where Is My Mind? by the Pixies came on the stereo in the car. That settled it really, and I applied to run for them when I got back. Please bear in mind I have to have a health check before I know I can definitely run but I’m fairly certain I’ll be okay!

Check out the work they do because it’s wonderful!

In all of this, I think I just want to reiterate that I think we have a long way to go when it comes to improving mental health but the more and more I see people talking about it on social media or in normal conversation I know we are moving in the right direction. I will put all the effort I can into helping this change.

MG x

AAPT Annual Conference London 2018

It’s a most excellent start to any morning when you make a cup of tea only to realise that the milk’s gone off. However I wouldn’t let that ruin or darken my day for I was off early to the AAPT 14th annual conference and this year I had some pretty awesome reasons to be excited.

Cup of tea attempt #2

I arrived at the Holiday Inn Regent’s Park to a crowd of people outside. Some people I recognised, fewer I actually knew and a lot more I had no idea who they were. I’ve been lucky to attend a few AAPT events before including this conference last year, it almost feels like I have a tick-list of people to check off each time to speak to, and this year I got a whole load of new ticks. One thing I will say, the people of the AAPT are always so very friendly and just, well, normal people. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more like I fit with a job I’ve had, good news really when I’m pretty certain I’ve got my dream career.

Got a little beefeater bear to go with my Cardiff dragon

When I got there I saw an open door towards the registration desks so I rushed in to get my lanyard and bag of goodies. A little pre-emptive as I was immediately told they weren’t open yet and to go stand outside! Oops! Outside I stood nervously catching people’s eyes and trying to figure out who was an APT and who was a bog standard hotel patron. The doors opened not long after and I got registered, then walked through to the conference room to grab a seat and dump my coat. Then it was time to grab a cup of tea and settle on in for the morning session.

Trusty notebook bought by Laura D and the conference programme

There was an array of talks in the morning and the afternoon of a very high calibre. I particularly enjoyed a presentation by a member of the air ambulance crew who described East London as being ‘well, yes, a bit stabby’ while discussing the kind of call outs he went to. I’ve seen the kinds of procedures they use on people who have arrived at the mortuary but I’ve never been sure exactly how they are carried out or why, now I know! In the afternoon session there was also a presentation by a Sergeant from the Metropolitan Marine Police who look after the river along with other areas, for example I never knew they did high areas like rooftops too! Her presentation was a brilliant and informative one, largely explaining what happens to people if they end up in the river and how they are found. Her presentation ended on discussing the SS Princess Alice disaster where a passenger paddle steamer was struck and sank in the Thames in 1865. A larger part of my notes from this section includes a direct quote of a description of the water at Woolwich where it sank being ‘fast flowing poo soup’.

Thought you might enjoy my little sketch titled ‘how people float’ drawn from an impression the speaker did on stage, fish was not in demonstration.

It was a fabulous day and I got to meet some wonderful people. Right towards the end I found out that I was going to receive a certificate for my CPD (continual professional development) achievement over the last year with others, which I then spent the last hour worrying about going up the front. Typical of me! The AGM (annual general meeting) after the main conference also had the very exciting announcement that I have been appointed the Student Representative on the Council for the AAPT. This mean some hard work but I’m so looking forward to working with the Council going forward. I guess this is also a good time to announce that, all things going to plan, I will be starting my full training course in February 2019. It’s going to be a very exciting time coming up!

CPD certificate and my mugshot on the council listing!

Sadly I didn’t get to attend the evening event, I had to get home early but I was also a little grateful for other commitments. When your last talk of the day is about boat disasters and pulling bodies out of the Thames, a not very confident swimmer like me would be a little anxious about a party on a riverboat!!

I’d like to take an opportunity to thank the hard working people of the AAPT who put together and awesome conference again this year. I loved every minute and I am very much looking forward to the next one in Edinburgh in 2019!

MG x

Terrific Tuesday

What a fabulous start to the week I have had! Between being filmed for a documentary and Death Cafe, I can honestly say I had the best Tuesday for a long time. Those that know me well will know my hatred of that day of the week. Today was calmer but that was some relief, although it came with it’s own unusual events.

We had a student filmmaker come to the mortuary to get some footage for his masters degree work which is a documentary about death. I had little chance to discuss with him what exactly it is about but I could gather that he has interviewed some professionals in the death industry and will overlay their voices with the footage he shot in the mortuary. I don’t expected him to want just general shots of the post-mortem room and the features, but then next minute I was being asked to move bits and bobs around while they filmed! Then there was a lot of pacing about and fridge door opening. I think the film will be shown at some film festivals in the future so keep an eye out for it.

I never quite realised just how much stuff they would bring!

Death Cafe was a lot quieter and more serious than previous events but it was still a resounding success. We discussed a few different topics, particularly how to react and look after a dying friend or relative and also euthanasia. I was particularly keen to discuss the story of Aurelia a 29 year old Dutch woman who was granted to die due to her mental health illness. One thing I love about Death Cafe is the range of emotions expressed in the two hours. We laugh and get close to tears within minutes, we discuss the serious and the silly. There’s space for any question, discussion topic or anecdote. If you are intrigued by what we do, I really cannot recommend coming along just to see what happens. We are a friendly bunch in a gorgeous venue and there’s no pressure to say anything if you just want to listen.

On that note, I’m thinking about trying to do a weekend Death Cafe at some point. Maybe a Sunday afternoon for those who cannot attend the weekday evening time. If you would be interested in this please, please do let me know as only if I get enough interest will I look to do this!

Today I continued to show our new admin assistant the ropes, booking in the new patients and updating the ledger and computer systems. After lunch, we prepped the post-mortem room for tomorrow by laying out the tools we use. Then we had some Porter training happening where they are shown the ins and outs of how their role fits into what we do. The porters are hugely important as they bring patients down from the wards and they can greatly help the smooth running of the mortuary, we couldn’t do what we do without them!

Handsome Rocky in his cat carrier

In other news; I also got sent the PDF of the upcoming magazine article covering the last Death Cafe and I can’t wait for it to be published. This evening I am waiting for a cheeky takeaway after having taken my little guy to the vets for a checkup. It’s been a busy week so far and I can’t wait to go to sleep tonight! If you have any questions or just want to chat, as always please get in touch! Have a great rest of your week.

MG x

Do I Actually Own a TV?

It was a fair question to be asked this week and got me thinking. I usually notice when I say something regularly, and of late it’s become ‘I was listening to a podcast the other day….’. Once upon a time it was ‘reading’ and ‘book’, but I seem to have become engrossed and a tad obsessed with downloading podcasts and absorbing all they have to offer. Thought it might be interesting for me to share some of my favourites and why I like them, seeing as it seems to be the way I spend most of my spare time these days!

If you don’t know, and apologies if this is stuff you already know, you can download podcasts from a variety of different platforms but I tend to use iTunes and Podbean (many other podcast providers are available!). Podcasts are like radio shows of a sort, but you can download them and listen whenever you like. They can be factual, comedy, drama, any kind of format you can think of and the best bit is that they are free! This does often mean listening to promotions or adverts (usually for mattresses or Hello Fresh I’ve noticed) but sometimes those offers are really good too! It’s a win-win situation.

WOWooden Overcoats – I had to start with Wooden Overcoats because I think it’s my favourite by far. It’s a tale about a channel island called Piffling and a town where there are two rival funeral directors. It’s hilarious and clever, and Season 3 comes out very soon though you still have time to binge listen to the first two seasons before that happens. They’re also doing some live shows coming up, I’ve been to one before and it was wonderful! You will often find me telling people about this show on a regular basis.

TBS

The Bright Sessions – This podcast is a thought-provoking drama where each episode you meet a different person who is undergoing therapy. Each individual has an interesting ‘ability’ that adds a great deal of interesting aspects to the session. A great listen with some very tense moments. Think X-Men but not in a superhero world and with more realistic powers (if that even makes any sense).

GCWS

Geek Chic’s Weird Science – Dr Jack Lewis and Liana Bird discuss the latest science news and discoveries with a touch of wonder and humour. I really like this podcast because they highlight news stories I often miss or aren’t in the forefront of the main news. Each story is explained in a way I can understand and they often revisit stories or thoughts from previous episodes.

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Griefcast Cariad Lloyd hosts this poignant podcast where each week she interviews a different person about a bereavement they have been through. She relates each one to how she lost her Dad when she was fifteen and each interviewee speaks frankly about what they went through and how they coped with it. Cariad asks some great questions and the openness of each interview amazes me. I’ve cried and laughed along with the people on here and it’s really opened my mind to the experiences of the people who come to visit their relatives at work.

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Invisibilia –  A difficult one to describe, but the hosts of Invisibilia describe some wonderful stories and feats of humanity, the idea being that there is an invisible side of life that they discuss. I wanted to mention this because some of the stories they discuss are amazing.

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Made of Human – Sofie Hagen is a comedian and a wonderful human being, and I love her a lot. Her weekly podcast is interviewing different people and talking about what makes us human. Often talking to people about their own struggles with things like anxiety, depression and other serious mental health issues or health issues that are also, to some extent, taboo.

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The Unseen Hour – This is a horror-comedy show which is silly in places and cut with monologues or songs that are performed by various people each time and they can be plaintive, emotive or just plain strange. I love the style of this show and it’s familiar sense of entertainment. I keep meaning to book tickets to go and see this recorded live at some point.

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Finally, to finish off, I couldn’t do a post about podcasts and not recommend my own one (even though I’m not suggesting it is in the same league as those above!). Once a month, Adam and myself record This Little Island  and discuss a different topic, sometimes joined by a special guest. We have covered topics such as feminism, mental health, fake news and, more recently, the phenomenon of the love of underdogs. I love making this podcast and researching the different topics. If you are new to podcasts, or just after some new ones to listen to, then check out the ones I’ve suggested above. I could keep going with suggestions, but I think this is enough for now, maybe I will do another post in the future.

That’s all from me for today, other than to say that this week the other trainee in the mortuary left to go on maternity leave. I shall miss her lots but wish her the very best with her new adventure into motherhood! Thank you for reading and have a great weekend.

MG x

 

January is the Monday of the Year

I remember seeing that on Twitter at some point and finding it funny because it’s true. I always find January a particularly tough time with my brain. It feels like starting over to me. Like everything seems scary and bleak. I have no idea why this is the case, it’s not at all. I have some excellent things to look forward to and some brilliant people in my life. Just can never shift the gloom I feel around the particular month.

Recently my own mental health and generally the topic of mental health has been at the forefront of my mind. My little side project with my friend Adam, our podcast This Little Island, last month discussed mental health in the UK and I’m a huge advocate of talking about these things.

So, here it goes. I have depression. I have a clinical diagnosis as such, and although not currently on any medication, in the past I have been, and I have also undergone counselling. I’ve been at incredibly low places where I’d not seen a way out. I’ve also, very recently, battled against my brain which tells me that although things are good right now, this can only mean that terrible things are coming because apparently that’s how life works. The good and the bad. Too much good and expect the bad.

Ironically, my brain would never tell me that too much bad meant the good was coming. I am very good at over analysing, breaking down things into very minute details. This is useful in some scenarios but not when you’re trying to convince yourself that everything is fine and to stop worrying. For a long time my head has believed that worrying to the point of feeling unwell was all part of the preparatory process. I simply would not feel ready for something to happen had I not thought about it until I had an upset stomach or not slept for three nights.

While I know my own mental health problems are not as serious as others, by talking about them I hope it brings others forward to discuss their own experiences. I want to help smash up the taboo that exists around talking about our mental health issues.

I felt particularly low yesterday and I have no idea why. I was at work and felt like I was coping fine and hiding it well to some extent. Then at around 3pm my colleague came over to me when I was on my own and asked something very simple.

Would you like a hug?

Seems silly but it meant the absolute world, partly because she gives the best hugs you could ever imagine, but also because someone hadn’t asked me if I was alright, or ignored me or anything else. They had seen someone feeling low and knew how to fix the problem, if only for a few minutes. But that’s a few minutes I needed!

On that note, I came to work today feeling much brighter. I tend to take a day at a time and today felt much more positive. I even met some relatives visiting their family member on my own for the first time. I was incredibly nervous but they were so nice and friendly I felt very stupid for getting so worked up about it. I then had a great conversation with Laura D about it all this evening and, hugely significantly, I don’t feel alone in it all.

Importantly, here’s some links you should check out in regards to this post:

Mind

Samaritans and can be called on 116 123 from any phone

Check out This Little Island podcast on iTunes or podbean- links can be found on our twitter @tlipodcast

And most importantly, if you are suffering yourself with mental health problems then seek help. Even if you just want to have a chat, please email me or message me on my social media either @gemmanorbs or the same on Instagram

Take care everyone!

MG x

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