Warning- rambling, totes emosh post!
I’ve found it really hard to write an update for last week. I’m still struggling on Monday evening how to get it done. It’s not as though I’ve got nothing to say, I had a pretty good and standard week for my job. I got a lot of revision done, I found a horseshoe kidney in a patient, I helped put the final work into our new computer system. I should feel accomplished but every now and then I can’t help but feel like I don’t deserve to.
This is not a plea for everyone to tell me I’m good at my job, or how much they might like my blog. This isn’t a self indulgent post, this is just an honest post about me being in a funk mentally and one way I can work through this is to discuss it. There’s a topic I seem unable to discuss without sending me into a spiral for a few days and, although I’m not willing to go into detail, I did with my counsellor last week and it seems to have had that affect again.
Consider this, in lieu of a regular weekly update, a reminder that we all have our mental barriers we battle with all the time. I have some stuff in my head that rumbles about most of the time and sometimes louder than I would like it to. It makes me doubt myself, feel embarrassed for myself and wrecks me with a sense of social awkwardness I struggle to comfortably shake.
The excitement of the next few weeks fills me with a sense of dread. One thing I’ve acknowledged about my personality is that I’m no good waiting for things. My impatience is chronic and damaging. I’m almost always inclined to rush things through for them to be done rather than enjoy the lead up and timeliness that should be.
Apologies if this was not the post you thought it would be, but I needed to say something rather than say nothing at all. Not because I want to encourage support from people, although I fully appreciate it, but for my own sanity I cannot abide silence because it tends to then drag on and before I know it I’ve not said anything in too long.
Last Friday I was frustrated at myself for a few, very silly reasons. The main two were this. Firstly, I had not cycled to work due to after work plans which by the afternoon were no longer happening. I wasn’t annoyed at the cancellation of plans, in fact I often rejoice at the idea of an impromptu night in. I definitely and ridiculously did resent spending £1.50 to get the bus home when it could have been a free journey. Secondly, I had got quite annoyed at a bereaved relative. My brain knows that rationally I can be annoyed at people, disregarding their current circumstances, but I felt so very guilty for being that annoyed with someone in those circumstances. I won’t go into any more detail than that, but I was wholly uncomfortable feeling the pathetic way I did about the entire situation.
Instead, I decided a long walk might sort my head out. Plus, halfway I remembered there was sure to be a parked up ice cream van and decided I would treat myself. Imagine the grin on my face when I asked for an orange lolly to be told ‘that’s £1.50 please!’. Sunglasses on, strolling through a park in the sun, sticky orange goo melting down my hand I resolved to not dwell on things on my own anymore but to share them. Share them with my counsellor, with my partner, with my friends, my family, with you lovely reader.
There’s a way of saying what’s hard to say and that’s just to try. It starts with trying to before you know it you are saying it. No right way, no wrong way. Say what you think needs to be said. I hope you didn’t mind 681 words of me doing just that!