Impending Sense Of I-Have-No-Idea-What

Edit- this was written yesterday and just to highlight how quickly things change I’ve since thought it best to get a Coronavirus test as myself and my husband have developed mild symptoms. I still wanted to post this as it felt important, but bear in mind we are now isolating and awaiting results.

Each week I think it will be straightforward and simple for me to compose my weekly update. Believe it or not, I don’t spend long editing or rereading them because I don’t think I should leave too long before I post and I like to have experienced the entire week before I begin to write. Sometimes this is easy, other times I struggle to gain a sense of where to start or how to explain what’s going on.

Currently that is very much my situation, I don’t think I am able to convey in words very well what is going on at all. Largely because I don’t think I fully understand, or can even comprehend very well what is happening either. While work continues to be very much in line with the normal Winter pressures we experience each year from around October, there still seems to be this feel in the air like there’s something much bigger creeping up on us.

I can only fathom right now that we are all suffering almost a feeling of mild trauma from what we have already experienced this year. The current familiarities of lockdown restrictions and the updates daily in the media about numbers of deaths are all too similar to life at the peak of the first wave. While we haven’t numbers like we did in March and April, we certainly are concerned that we could go back there at some point with the second wave. This anxiety around what could happen is only really happening because of what we have already experienced. I think in the past week too the mortuary team members have all also shared worries about people either not observing lockdown, not wearing masks or false claims that the virus is either fictional or not a concern. It is ever so frustrating to see people flaunt the restrictions or belittle the impact the pandemic is having.

The reality is we worry about the long hours we might face, we worry about the exhaustion and the mental impact. We are worried about the deceased and trying to do our best for them while spread so thinly. We worry for the families who lose loved ones and are confused, enduring an incredibly tough time in the midst of restrictions and pandemic conditions. It’s knowing what can happen that makes this so hard, the first time around we had such a little grasp of what lies ahead.

Lockdown 2.0 has so far been a slight strange time, post-qualifying I am struggling to figure out what is my next project or idea to focus on. I tend to always need something to occupy my time, and I’m not short of different tasks that have come my way but I need to prioritise my list and ensure my focus is appropriate while also I am doing things I actually want to do. The pressure to produce something amazing with my spare time is there like I know a lot of people have felt, and we must remember that pressure is only coming from within ourselves!

This week I spent 3/5 evenings with some kind of Zoom meeting or webinar, my Zoom social life is like my old going out social life with probably the same amount of wine (but more leisure wear). On Thursday I spoke at the first AAPT Careers webinar alongside Michelle Williams, Lisa Cooney and Robert Cast who are all very experienced APTs. It was brilliant to be able to share some of my training experiences and help answer questions from the attendees. I am very pleased we could help out those aspiring to be APTs and hopefully give some great advice too. After the success of this event, there is definitely a plan to run a careers webinar on a regular basis which is very exciting.

The weekends now run a very familiar routine at home, I tend to do all of the housework on Saturday to get it out of the way, then spend Sunday working on my laptop a bit with some Netflix and making time for a walk over the park. Sometimes this differs slightly if I am on call of course. I plan on spending today going over some writing I’ve agreed to do and reviewing where I’m at with a rather large project I haven’t looked at in a while. I hope the next week brings me some focus, good sleep and some calm! Stay safe everyone and reach out if you need help.

MG x